DCFOUNTAIN.COM

Photo: www.flickr.com/photos/badcomputer / CC BY-SA 2.0

[Editor's Note: Sometimes a story so wholly surreal comes along that just cannot be ignored; last night's political earthquake in Massachusetts was just such an event and brought Dillon out of his self-imposed blogging repose to relay the story in his own way.]

BOSTON — While crawling along the Freeway of Public Discontent, a year-old infant late last night was struck and critically injured by a fast-moving truck in a convoy of ambulance chasers that had just left a tea party and were en route to a much larger crash scene farther up the road.

Further adding to the bizarre nature of the tragedy were eyewitness accounts that the truck’s driver “came out of nowhere” wearing a flashy red-Lycra superhero costume emblazoned with “Indie Man”.

The infant was identified as Democratic Hopes, whose father, described only as “Uncle Ted”, a well-regarded writer of Greek tragedies, passed away just last August. Authorities as still searching for the infant’s mother. Suffering massive internal injuries and given little hope of surviving, the infant was described by eyewitnesses as bleeding profusely from the spine — dispelling unconfirmed reports that he had been born without one.

Several who witnessed the crash identified the man driving the truck as Massachusetts State Senator Scott Brown, who failed even to slow down after impact — let alone to stop — and was believed destined for the U.S. Capitol.

Brown’s pine-green GMC Canyon truck was near the front of a long convoy of vehicles that anonymous sources claim had just left a boisterous all-day tea party moments before the accident. They were last seen rushing toward the scene of a massive multi-car pileup farther down the freeway, at its intersection with U.S. Highways 2010 and 2012 in Washington, D.C., where authorities now have begun deliberating on whether to alert triage units — a process that some say could drag on for months.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Boston resident Ima Voter, who saw the accident from the front porch of her home on a hill overlooking the highway. “This poor little baby was just minding his own business, crawling along and curiously watching these tea partiers and ambulance chasers race by. I don’t think he ever knew what hit him.

“He wasn’t even old enough to read the sign he had just passed saying, ‘No Pedestrians Allowed’. I mean, a little baby like that has no business out there playing where the big trucks roam. And, where’s his momma, anyway?”

The infant seemed to be stuck in emergency-room limbo, after officials determined that he was uninsured and unable to afford a spine transplant deemed necessary for his survival. An insurance industry spokesman said, however, that even if the infant had health coverage, the fact that he has been seen crawling aimlessly around in public on previous occasions would qualify his wandering nature as a pre-existing illness — barring any coverage for the procedure.

As of press time, the infant remained on life support at Ted Kennedy Memorial Hospital as a team of surgeons led on-site by Drs. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, assisted via remote hookup by Dr. Barack Obama, were assessing the infant’s condition to determine whether he even could survive surgery. Hospital officials say they have declined an offer by maverick trauma surgeon Dr. Sarah Palin to assist with the surgery if needed.

Meanwhile, federal transportation officials are investigating reports that poor visibility and other environmental conditions may have contributed to the accident, along with suspected road design flaws. Since its opening in 1991, numerous similar accidents have occurred along the Freeway of Public Discontent, which has a fatality rate far surpassing that for every other road in the country.

The heavily traveled highway — unofficially dubbed “America’s Autobahn” — has no speed limit and was the first ever to be built using a unique new asphalt substitute made of lies, myths and distortions. Due to safety concerns, progressives very rarely ever use the roadway — allowing it to serve almost exclusively as a private HOV highway for conservatives, who often forget it is a toll road. No word yet on what the Democratic infant was doing on the roadway in the first place, but we do know that his toll has been paid.